Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
